E P I S O D E S

Ingredients (serves two old farts)

​

3 tsp olive oil

A pinch of pepper Dried thyme

1 tin of potatoes

2 x 125g / 4oz tuna steaks, drained

2 tsp marmalade

​

​

​

 

Heat the oil, pepper and thyme over a medium heat. Add the potatoes and fry until they just begin to brown. Add the tuna steaks and put a good-sized teaspoon of marmalade on top of each one. Turn after two minutes and again, place a dollop of marmalade on top of each steak. Cook to your liking and serve.

Ingredients (serves two buffoons)

​

1 tsp olive oil

1 small onion peeled and chopped

1 diced skinless chicken breast

1 tsp curry powder or paste

A third of a mug of basmati rice

Two-thirds of a mug of chicken stock

1 mug of frozen mixed vegetables

A handful of dates

​

Heat the oil in a non-stick pan, then fry the onion until soft. Add the chicken and fry for a further couple of minutes just to colour the outside, then stir in the curry powder or paste and the rice. Cook for another minute. Pour in the chicken stock and stir in any larger frozen vegetables. Bring to the boil, lower the heat, then cover the pan with a lid. Cook for 10 minutes, then stir in the remaining vegetables and the dates and cook until all the stock is absorbed. Then spork it down your neck.

Ingredients (serves two laughingstocksmen)

​

500g / 1lb cauliflower rice

1 egg half a cup of finely grated Parmesan cheese

Dried oregano

Dried basil

Salt & pepper

Tomato puree

Topping of your choice

 

 

 

Place the cauliflower rice in a bowl, cover with clingfilm and microwave on full power for three minutes. Pour the rice onto a tea towel and fold the towel around the rice and twist the towel with all your might to force the moisture out of the rice. You will look magnificent during this process. Put the post-squeezed rice back into a bowl and add the egg, Parmesan and seasonings. Using your beautiful hands, spread the mixture into a pleasing, potentially circular, shape on a sheet of greaseproof paper. Place in a hot (200 degree c /Gas 6) oven for five to six minutes until it just begins to brown. Remove from the oven and add the toppings of your choice.

Ingredients (serves two simpletons)

1 Savoy cabbage Nutmeg

1 tbsp olive oil

Salt and pepper

2 x 125g / 4oz lean venison steaks

125g / 4oz vacuum-packed chestnuts, roughly chopped

One slug of red wine

​

​

 

 

Remove the outer leaves and core from the cabbage and slice thinly. Place in a saucepan with 1 cm of water and a good pinch of grated nutmeg. Boil/steam for four to five minutes. Heat the oilive oil in a frying pan. Season the steaks and fry with the chestnuts for two to three minutes each side ( or according to preference of doneness ). Drain the cabbage and add to the frying pan with a slug of red wine. Cook off the wine and serve.

Ingredients ( serves two halfwits)

300ml / 1/2 pint semi-skimmed milk

300ml / 1/2 pint water

175g / 6oz rolled oats

Large pinch of salt

A few tinned prunes

A handful of tinned pears

A handful of tinned plums

Brown sugar or chia seeds

​

​

 

Put the milk, water, oats and salt into a saucepan, stir and bring to the boil. Reduce the heat and simmer slowly for seven to eaight minutes. Reduce the heat and simmer slowly for seven to eight minutes. If you can be bothered, the more you stir the porridge as it simmers, the creamier it will be. When cooked, remove from the heat and fold in the fruit according to your ratio preferences. Serve in a bowl and sprinkle brown sugar on top, unless you are from London: in which case feel free to use chia seeds or mouse whiskers.

Ingredients (serves two Herberts)

2 pitta breads

1 tin of sardines in lemon oil

50g / 2 oz feta cheese

A medium tomato chopped

Chopped lettuce

A few dates pitted

Fresh mint leaves

Coriander

 

 

Open up the pitta breads and thrust the remaining ingredients inside with partial fury, but with a hint of love and care. use your historic opinions of the ingredients to judge your ratios. This dish crept up on Paul and gave him quite a startle. It's a bigger hitter than you may think.